After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are “documented by our video
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ’ Mission Impossible’ theme.
11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the Staff passed out.
OMFG I AM SCREAMING.
Student: can I please use the bathroom?
Teachers: why are you taking your bag?
This happened in my English class one time and the girl who was going picked up her bag as she got up and the male teacher just said “Put your bag down and go to the bathroom.” and without any hesitation she just said, “I need something in it there is blood coming out of my vagina.” He never made girls leave their bags again.
Aaaah, the joys of NoShaveNovember. Twitter filled with misogynist garbage, guys in fedoras who think are hot because they have grown three little hairs on their chins. Right, where do I start?
I am a girl. I had always been a girl, always identified at female. 18 years-old, petite. And guess what? No, I have not killed anybody, I have not hurt anyone. I must confess, however, this terrible and unforgivable fact: I have body hairs.
Yup, right on. Since my teenager years, I have hairs. On my legs, around my genitals, under my armpits, on my arms. And since a woman’s value can be only estimated by the way she looks, I am probably a horrible, disgusting creature. I ought to hide in a cavern, to never appear to society again. Because yes, ladies and gentlemen: sometimes, especially in the Winter… I do not shave. At all.
It seems, at least on the Internet, that ladies who don’t shave can only be one thing: fat feminists, who hate men, are virgins and have low self-esteem. Well, hold on well, because it’s not exactly that way. Here’s a little lesson about ladies and hairs.
1) ALL LADIES HAVE HAIRS. ALL OF THEM. The lady in the bad porn you’ve wanked to the other day? She has hairs. Emma Watson? Hairs. Your mum? Yes, you’ve guessed it, hairs again. It is not unnatural, it is not disgusting, it is not repulsive. It’s simply the way nature has made us! If you think women always have smooth and hairless legs… Well, you probably never had a girlfriend for more than a week.
2) Some girls want to shave. Some don’t. Some, like me, are sometimes completely shaved and sometimes fully hairy. And guess what? It doesn’t matter! A woman’s worth isn’t determined by the number of hairs she has on her body. A woman is much more worth than her body, for fuck’s sake. Try and learn that.
3) Shaving is expensive and takes time. I don’t always want to spend all my money on razors blades or wax. I sometimes don’t even have the time or motivation to do it, especially during the winter when I barely get to show my legs in public. Men, try to think about that: would you want your legs to be described as ‘disgusting’ and ‘shameful’ just because you didn’t shave them?
4) A woman’s self respect isn’t told by whether she shaves or not. I REPEAT: YOU, AS A WOMAN, ARE NOT DISGUSTING BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO KEEP YOUR HAIRS ON. IF A MAN IS DISGUSTED BY YOUR BODY, THEN YOU PROBABLY AREN’T SEEING THE RIGHT PERSON.
5) HAIRS ON A WOMAN ARE NOT MORE DISGUSTING THAN HAIRS ON A MAN. THESE HAIRS ARE THE SAME. HAIRS. ARE. NOT. DISGUSTING. THEY LITERALLY ARE SMALL LITTLE HAIRS: DO NOT LET THEM MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE OR DISGUSTING.
So yes. Hairs are fine. Hairs never stopped me from getting laid. Hairs are a personally matter, and if you think women who don’t shave are disgusting… Well, you probably aren’t mature enough to even touch a clitoris.
With that, my hairy legs and I salute you.
ameneverything she said ^
amen x 10000
When the children first meet Count Olaf and Jim Carrey says, “Wait, give me the line again,” was not actually in the script, it was Carrey staying in character and wanting to try it again, but they kept the cameras rolling and felt it worked the way it happened.
Always see “real women” posts so here’s one for the dudes.
this says so much. I wish there were more posts like this. please.
body positivity and realistic body standards are important for guys too!
Men are constantly reassured that it’s okay to oogle women and harrass them about their looks. Women rarely see sexualized images of men that are made for women.
Guys get eye candy everywhere they go. Their sexual gaze is constantly catered to. Women, at least hetero women, are rarely given the opportunity to have their sexual interest entertained. We’re told that we should be okay with having nothing to look at. That our fantasies don’t matter. That we shouldn’t ever even remotely expect to be able to eyeball a svelte man in public, only behind closed doors and heaven forbid that the man look vulnerable. So we finally get to see images that turn us on and people are like, “Hey, you can’t put that in magazines! that might hurt some little boy’s feelings!”
Men are given alternative physical images to aspire to. Women are not.
While yes, guys should be treated to body positivity too… they already are. Just watch TV or any comedy and count the number of pudgy, out of shape, male leads vs pudgy, out of shape female leads. Or the number of hairy, overweight, older men making block buster movies vs the number of hairy, overweight, older women. Now count how many times that male character has some incredibly smart, sexy wife who does everything for him. And then how many times she’s the butt of the joke when he gets hot for some woman who’s younger and thinner than she is.
Fuck, just look at the responses to women not shaving their legs vs the responses to guys not shaving off their stubble.
Name six movies about a woman above the age of forty who’s love interest is a man that’s younger than she is where the plot doesn’t revolve around her being the butt of a cougar or mom joke. Now name me six where a man over the age of forty’s love interest is a woman who’s significantly younger than he is. Bonus points for action movies where anyone in the movie makes a mention of the age difference.
How many times are male politician or CEO’s body or style of dress put into question? How many times are female’s? Or has everyone forgotten how we flip out when the president’s wife gets a new hair cut? Or how Hillary Clinton had to have a FUCKING MAKE OVER before the news agencies took her seriously? How many times was her daughter raked over the coals for looking like an average teenager?
What’s more, I’ve never heard any of my female friends or my mother and her female friends saying, “Why can’t my 50 year old husband get a six pack like that?” What I USUALLY here is “I wish my husband would get a nice hair cut.” or “I wish he’d wear some nicer clothes that actually fit him.”
But what i hear overhear men saying all time is, “No fat chicks!” or “I wish my wife had bigger boobs.”
I know a woman who’s husband threatened to leave her if she didn’t get a face lift and a boob job- she was so upset that she did it. She felt disgusting every day because she wasn’t a size six and he expected her to be a size six after bearing him four kids. My own uncle said if his wife got overweight that he’d drag her behind a car until she lost weight. These aren’t even “bad guys”! They seem like perfectly nice men when you meet them! But they’re taught from the moment they’re kids that all women need to be a certain body type to be worthy of any attention.
Men are told through our culture’s stories and media that a woman will still love them unconditionally and throw themselves at them if they’re fat, old, balding, or an asshole, while women are told that if they’re pushy, fat, old or wearing out of style clothes that they aren’t even worth mentioning.
Also the fact that in media, men are “rewarded” and “deserve” hot women just for existing while women need “nice guys” and don’t have or require any standards other than that.
Every time someone says “dragon” in How to Train Your Dragon
[heard in the distance]
did somebody say…
they said dragons 57 times. can this be the magic number of the httyd fandom?